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The
Lakeland and District Cat Club
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A few cat funnies, hope you like them :) THE CAT USER'S MANUAL CAT v. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes
six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features
are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there
may be variations between units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject
inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units. Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user. Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20? C (± 3? tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialise the self-learning program catfind by displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin. If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self-learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal. A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL, which identifies the host site. Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialised repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. Such units will sit across the room with its back to you. Applications: At present, there are few productivity applications for
CAT. Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay, which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are: CACHE JUMP MIRROR CHASE DANCE and SING Maintenance: CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24-hour
cycle. Warning Notices: CAT systems are user-friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defence systems. Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user. Do not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE. Service Life: As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize
every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. User Groups: CAT users can find other users and the FAQ on the Usenet newsgroup rec.pets.cats. Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included. Documented Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This
may lead to serious performance problems. System Features: · Models = Mainframe, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in
the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes. Contacting CAT Technical Support Fun Cat Facts ~The most unique cat was born in Germany. It had five legs, six paws,
and 3 toes. ********************** THE CAT AND COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY 101 Did you know that cats are responsible for the computer lingo that
humans think they invented and use everyday? Of course! The following list
of terms will surely convince you of this fact: *************************** Let the cat himself separate the falsehoods from the truth about these curious human ideas: MYTH: Cats eyes shine at night because they are casting out the light
they gather during the day. ********************************** Cat Definitions Aquarium:-interactive television for cats. Cat:- 1. A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. A four footed allergen. 3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. A small, furry lap fungus. 5. A treat-seeking missile. 6. A wildlife control expert. 7. One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes? 8. A hair relocation expert. 9. An unprogrammable animal. Cataclysm:-any great upheaval in a cat's life. Catatonic:-a feline medicinal drink. Caterpillar:-a soft scratching post for a cat. Cat Scan: -to look for a new cat. Dog: -a cat's device for running practice. Door:-something a cat always wants to be on the other side of. Energy:-the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them. Human: -an automatic door opener for cats. Impurrsonate:-to act like the cat. Kitten: -a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two. Purrade: -an organized march of cats. Purradise:-the garden of Cats. Purramour:-a cat lover. Purranoia: -the fear that your cat is up to something. Purraphernalia: -a cat's personal belongings. Purrch: -any favoured feline napping spot. Purrchase:-anything bought for a cat. Purrfume:-the scent of an open can of tuna. Purrgatory: -a houseful of kittens. Purrmission: -a feline hunting expedition. Purrpetual:-everlasting feline love. Purrplex: -a house with two or more cats. Purrson: -a male kitten. Purrsuit: -the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting. Purrverse: -a poem about a wicked kitty. Tooraloorailurophobia: -an irrational fear of Irish cats. Tuner: -sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear. Yawn: -a cat's honest opinion openly
expressed. How Cats Can Tell The Weather To tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all of the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CAT ***************************** Garfield's Favourite BAD Cat Jokes 1. Q. What do you get when you cross a cat with a fish? 2. Q. What does a cat take for a bad memory? 3. Q. Did you hear about the two cats who were inseparable? 4. Q. why did the cat climb the drapes? 5. Q. did you hear about the cat who was an over-achiever? 6. Q. Why do cats eat fur balls? 7. Q. did you hear about the cat who made a killing in sports? 8. I knew a cat that was so rich he had his mice monogrammed! 9. Q. What do you get when you cross a cat with a dog? 10. Q. Can cats see in the dark? **************************** The Cat Miracle Diet Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table
scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat
Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just
follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and
feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes
food. Good Luck! Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavour as long as it costs more than 75p per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-collared gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminium appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trashcan. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a
flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick
off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard. Home] [The Club] [ Membership] [Committee] [Kitten List] [The Lakes] [Congratulations] [The Show] [Events] [Cat Info] [Cat Fun ] [Links] |
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